Marriage

Marriage

Folk music and instruments

Life Cycle in Afghanistan
Birth and Childhood
Marriage
Death and Inheritance
Sports and Games
Diet
Dress and ornaments

The inward looking society

Males often kiss when they meet or walk down the road hand in hand, but these gestures are usually simply manifestations of friendship, not homosexuality. Much friendly—and at times not so friendly—banter takes place between males concerning homosexual activities. Some male prostitutes do exist, mainly young dancing boys who dress like women and wear make-up. Also, truck drivers sometimes carry young lovers with them on long trips. As in most societies, however, there is probably more talk about doing than actual doing.

Preferred mate is still parallel cousin (father's brother's daughter), but as the society becomes more urbanized and the nuclear family (or segmented fragments of the extended family) replaces larger units as the basic socio-economic-political unit, individual preference increases to be the pattern. "An intelligent boy should select a girl of his own family status, or rather a degree below himself," an older friend will advise an urban young man thinking of marriage.

Competition for brides has been increasing, and the "bride price" (shir-baha, Dari; wulwar, Pashto) is so high (rates vary from about 500 to 40,000 afghanis, with the average being 10 to 15,000 afghanis) that few Afghans can support more than one wife, so although polygyny is permissible, in practice monogamy is the rule. Many men, unable to furnish the wulwar before middle age, marry late, and often obtain brides from families in need of money. Instances of men over 60 marrying girls of 12 or 13 have been reported in rural areas, but the usual ages of marriage are from 18 to 20 for men and 15 to 17 for girls.

Wealthy men (particularly before this century) eagerly bought up young, pretty girls spotted by their agents in the countryside. Girls from Astanah in the Panjsher (among other areas) were especialty prized for their beauty.

Most non-urban marriages, however, still strive to maintain lineage and tribal solidarity. The present royal family vividly illustrates this attitude: all the king's four married sons and two married daughters are married to first cousins.

At times, brothers will agree to exchange offspring before birth, a real genetic gamble. An in-family marriage is a relatively simple affair to arrange. Consent between the families (not the bride and groom) is all that is necessary. The family often forgoes the bride price, particularly in cases of residential unity. Today, however, as brothers move away from village to town or city, the bride price becomes important.

Actually, the English term "bride price" gives a mistaken connotation to what is essentially an economic exchange. If the girl leaves the vicinity: of her extended family, they lose a valuable, economically producing member of the team, and the money (or livestock or combination of both) compensates the bride's family for its loss.

The dowry (jahiz, Dan; khawkul, Pashto) from the girl's family, written into the marriage contract along with and sometimes equal to the bride price, includes clothing, bedding, and other household utensils the couple will need. Among urban literates, the khawkul will also include a refrigerator, electric range, washing machine, and other modern amenities. Traditionally, the khawkul should last the couple for about fifteen years.

In both in- and out-group marriage, the procedure is approximately the same (also see Janata, 1964a; I. A. Shah, 1928). When the parents of ~a boy or girl decide their offspring are ready for marriage, they engage a kinsman or kinswoman as go-between (ru-yi-bar, Dan; wasta, Pashto) to handle the delicate financial negotiations, which may go on for months. Among modern literate Afghans two families normally enter into direct, short negotiations. Often boys and girls of such families become directly involved in the choice of a mate. Should either boy or girl express extreme distaste for the match, public condemnation sometimes forces the parents to break off negotiations. Parental authority is still so strong, however, that, once begun, the marriage plan continues to move toward its irrevocable conclusion, with no consent necessary from the principals, the bride and groom.

If the engaged are parallel cousins, they probably know each other pretty well, particularly in a village or a nomadic camp. If not close kin, the bride and groom find out about one another as the sisters of the boy and brothers of the girl spy out information.

After informal inquiries by the go-between have been successfully concluded, both sides set a date for the labs-griftan ("to get the word, or "promise"). Several respected ladies (usually elderly) of the boy's family go to the girl's house for tea and sweets. They accept a tray of sweets and a special, conical. sugarloaf (qand), varying from 12 inches to 2 1/2 feet in height and 6 inches or more at the base; and an embroidered kerchief to symbolize acceptance of the match. The sugar-loaf and kerchief play important roles in later ceremonies related to the marriage.

Within a week, the boy's family returns the tray filled with money and the betrothal is announced. Often the elderly ladies have decided on the amount of money on the returned tray to prevent charges of stinginess—marriages have been called off for less in Afghanistan.

The next ceremony, (shirin-i-grif tan, Dan; khwalish-khwcui, Pashto—"taking or eating sweets"), act of official engagement, may occur after a delay of several months or shortly after the return of the tray, depending on the situation. In- the villages and nomadic camps announcement occurs immediately. Traditionally, only the women attend this ceremony at the home of the bride's family, and the women of the groom's family bring several dresses (at least four or five, a year's supply), some jewelry, and the three-piece silver ladies' toilet-set which includes, tweezers, ear-cleaner, and toothpick. If they can afford it, the groom's family offers the engaged girl a silver necklace with fish pendants, ancient symbols of fertility. Another common jewelry symbol, the circle (related to the sun or sunburst), guarantees the couple good luck.

Close relatives break the conical sugarloaf over the bride's head (to make her disposition sweet?) with a ceremonial sugar axe, usually decorated with a stylized bird of life (ancient sun-bird) motif. According to legend, the sun-bird, omen of good fortune in the prehistoric Middle East and elsehere, brought divine nectar (homa) from heaven; thus sweets are constantly connected with the wedding rituals (Cammann, 1957, 6—7).

If the sugarloaf breaks into many fragments, it is a good sign and indicates a long and happy marriage. The bride's family keeps the bottom section of the cone to make the sharbat (sherbert) and malida (a sweet wheat pudding) served at the actual wedding. The wedding sharbat, thick, colorless, and flavored with rosewater, is'~fuIl of seeds (fertility symbols again?) traditionally called tokhni-i-ri.van or tokhmi-biryan. A sweet omelette, wiskel, may also be served.

Thus the shirin-i-grif tan makes the engagement official and also helps the females of the two families get acquainted.

Many urbanized families pass over the shirin-i-grif tan as a separate ceremony, and either ignore it completely or combine it with the wedding ceremony, called 'arusi in Persian and wade/i in Pashto. But the gifts of bridal clothing and jewelry will be delivered before the wedding by the women in the groom's family. The silver (or gold) wedding jewelry usually includes karah (wrist bracelet), churi (arm bracelet), halhal (ankle bracelet), selselah (necklace of small silver fragments which make a hissing sound as it moves), tik (forehead pendant), guluband (pendant locket), gushwarah (earrings)) and angeshter (finger rings). The halqa-yi-bini (nose ring), once popular, is going out I of style, particularly in the urban centers.

Traditionally, the wedding takes place over a three-day period. The boy's father (or a combination of paternal relatives) pays the bills, including payments to musicians, dancers (female impersonators), and singers. Games often accompany the festivities and skills tested between members of the families involved. Chess, wrestling, and mock sword battles are among the more popular games.

On the first day, the bride's male and female kin, dressed in their colorful finery, go to the groom's home to talk and socialize. On the next day, the groom, usually on a horse wearing a finely decorated blanket, leads a procession of his kin, accompanied by musicians and dancers. At intervals, the male kin fire rifles in the air to announce the coming of the groom.

While the muscians entertain the men, the women prepare the bride for the nzuybafi, her removal to the groom'shouse. The women anoint her hair with perfume and tie it in braids, using cloth with seven colors of the rainbow for good luck. Other women sing double-meaning songs, keeping time with a dayrah (tambourine).

Both bride and groom often wear traditional dress, handed down in their respective families. On third day a feast is held at the groom's house, men and women eating separately. Musicians and dancers continue to perform; guests play games and banter with the groom. In the late afternoon the procession winds back to the groom's house. The veiled bride rides on horseback in front of the groom, probably the only time she will ever be in front: after marriage, the man will ride, the woman will walk, or if both walk, she will remain several paces behind her husband. The origin of this custom not so much symbolizes female inferiority, as it gives her a buffer against .the oncoming world, and her husband a chance to protect her against attack.

The nikah-na,nah (signing of the contract) and shaw-yi-khinah (or takht-i-khinah, the actual marriage ceremony) take place on the third night. For the nikah-namah, representatives of the bride and groom act as witnesses and sign the marriage contract which, among other things, specifies the bride price, the 'nahri-mu'ajjal (which she can demand at any time), and the niahri-mujassal (which she receives on the death of her husband). If the male divorces the female, she can demand both. The details have been previously discussed between the families but final protests can. be made and the contracts readjusted.

The agreement signed, the officiating mullah recites from the Qor'an. Guests throw sugared almonds and walnuts at the groom. (planting the seed of life in his groin?). Single males, just as bridesmaids in some Western countries try to catch the bride's bouquet, scramble to recover almonds from the groom's clothing.

At the shaw-yi-khinah, myrtle leaves, mixed with water and blended into a thick paste, form the henna. (Henna is also used to dye gray beards red, to give old men a youthful appearance, or so they like to believe. In addition, old men who have made the hajj to Mecca sometimes dye their beards with henna.) The groom's closest paternal relatives lead him to a raised platform (takht, or throne), where, -seated in a mass of cushions, he awaits the bride.

The bride, surrounded by female relatives, approaches the groom, usually to the strains of the traditional wedding-song, ahestah-buro ("go slowly"). A sister or cousin precedes the bride carrying the red henna in a tray, elaborately decorated with flowers. Close relatives hold a Qor'an wrapped in several layers of fine cloth over the heads of the couple. The bride's veil is lifted by a close female relative, and bride and groom read the Surat-i-Fatwa. This section of the ceremony 'is called aynah-masaf (masaf refers to Qor'an). A mirror (aynah), placed before the two principles, theoretically permits the couple to see each other for the first time. The mullah asks the boy if he will take the girl, provide for her, and make her happy, etc. He answers yes. The girl, however, often (traditionally, at least) hesitates several times before agreeing to her part of the bargain.

A male relative paints the groom's little finger with henna and ties a piece of embroidered cloth to the finger. The groom repeats the act with his bride. (Could this symbolize the deflowering, since henna is red?)

The groom then tastes the sharbat and malida and spoonfeeds some to the bride. Sugared almonds again rain on the newlyweds.

Both the nikah-namah and the shaw-yi-khinah involve elaborate rituals, and most Afghans cannot remember the meanings of the symbolic acts, lost in pre-Islamic mists. I have merely hinted at a few parenthetically.

Two final ceremonies prepare the couple for the rakhsati ("departure"; also means "holiday"). Close relatives cover the bride with seven veils during a ceremony called plughut. The final veil, usually silk (abrishain), has one of four objects (saffron, crystalline sugar, cloves, and a coin) tied in each corner. The objects respectively symbolize marital happiness, family prosperity, individual purity, and collective security. Four male relatives of the bride hold the seventh veil over her, untie and remove the objects, then lower the veil over her head.

The bride's father (or nearest male relative) performs the kamarbandi. He knots the seventh veil together with a green turban cloth (symbol of the parental turban, i.e., authority), and ties the connected lengths around his daughter's waist, thus symbolically releasing her to the husband, insuring him of her purity, and reminding her to shine with honor always for the family's sake.

The couple goes to the groom's house and retires. The party continues. In the last century, parties often lasted a week or even longer. Traditionally, in some areas, the girl's virginity must be proved intact on her wedding night, and the groom's closest male relatives checked the bedding for evidence. If not a virgin, the bride could be killed by the groom, and the girl's family would have to replace her with a sister. (If, after the shirin-i-grif tan, the engaged girl dies, the family produces a sister or a suitable replacement. If a man dies after marriage, a brother of the husband takes the girl as wife, even if he already has a wife. This, of course, is the levirate. The growing Afghan middle class seldom observes these old customs, however.)

A variation on these wedding customs (primarily Kabuli) exists in Qandahar and elsewhere. Shaw-yi-khinah is the wedding eve and the marriage takes place on the first night, when the groom's kin take the bride to his house. She rides on a horse behind the groom. On the evening of the third day, the bride's kin come to her new home to bid her farewell.

As indicated earlier, little premarital sex occurs, but in the event a girl is not a virgin, she may resort to the time-honored custom of bringing a small, blood-filled, membranous sheep-gut pouch to bed, and break it during intercourse. In few areas, however, do Afghans still make the virgin-bed check.

The custom of ru-yi-nanlayi ("seeing the face") is still popular. Relatives and close friends visit the couple two days (or on another specified day) after the ceremony and leave behind gifts or cash to help the young couple launch their married life—a "shower," in reverse order to American practices. The couple serves the guests (segregated by sex in most homes but the more Westernized) tea and cake, or sharbat (sometimes ice cream) if in summer. Close relatives and latecomers stay for a dinner of pilau. Often, however, all guests remain for a meal.

Today in Kabul, most upper-class families combine the shirin-i-griftan, nikah-namah and shaw-yi-khinah into one gala evening at such chic places as the Kabul Hotel, Khyber Restaurant, or Bagh-i-Bala (the old Moon Palace of Amir Abdur Rahman, now restored in ninetee�th-century style). The growing urban middle class in Kabul now has the public ceremony performed in one of the many semi-westernized restaurants popular in Shahr-i-Naw and other sections of the city. Close male relatives of the groom send out invitations to other men; mothers or close female relatives of the groom invite the female guests.

Several modern gimmicks have become associated with the combined ceremonies: paper flowers instead of natural ones, and often the henna tray has battery-powered, blinking, electric lights attached. Upper-class weddings no longer segregate the sexes, and both men and women wear Western evening dress. Often, only the bride wears a traditional, family, hand-me-down dress (usually of red or green velvet); the groom wears a tuxedo. A bride may also choose to wear an elaborate Western-style white wedding-gown, complete with veil and train.

Afghan law currently requires couples to register weddings at offices of the nearest qazi (government-trained, religious-cum-secular judge), before witnesses (two female witnesses equal one male witness). Some couples do this before the ceremony, others after, but the nikah-namah, a large impressive decorative document, must- be procured, even by foreigners who marry in Kabul, in order to make the marriage legal. The qazi asks the same questions asked during the actual religious ceremony, and repeats the beautiful koranic marriage injunctions to the couple.

Among the Turkoman, simulated bride-capture often takes place. The kinsmen and friends of the groom "forcibly" take the bride from her father's yurt, under a barrage of eggs thrown by the girl's relatives, possibly another atavistic fertility gesture. Wife-stealing was important as late as the nineteenth century, and, even today, if a Turkoman boy and a girl run off together, their parents must accept the fait accotnpli and arrange a "bride price" and dowry. In the rest of tribal Afghanistan, on the contrary, such an event brings disgrace on the families involved.

September is a favorite month for marriages all over Afghanistan, but custom prohibits weddings in the period between the two Ids. This custom has rural roots, where weddings usually follow the end of the season's reapings. Food is plentiful and families have surpluses for the festivities accompanying the rituals. Before the fall planting of crops, human seeds can be planted to assure the family's perpetuation.

Another ritual relating to the non-Islamic ceremonial fertility aspect of Afghan society occurs among certain nomadic Pushtun groups: a female relative of the groom drives a wooden stake into the ground inside the tent where the couple will spend their first night.

In spite of the time, money, and energy spent on the marriage, divorce (talaq) for the male is theoretically easy. He simply repeats in public "I divorce thee" (tu-ra talaq-mekurnarn or ta-talaqawam) three times, and the marriage dissolves. According to a tradition called. (bahseh-sang), the man drops a stone each time he says the phrase. The divorcee returns home, and must (in the usual sexual discriminatory pattern) wait three months before remarrying. The male can remarry immediately. The three-month waiting period for the woman does have an important practical application, however. In the event- that she had been pregnant at the time of the divorce, her condition would be apparent in three months and the child will belong to the former husband, even -though he may not be the biological father.

The literate, urban "new woman" (post-World War II) in Afghanistan, however, has much more to say about choice of mate and divorce than commonly believed, though she still must gain support of her closest male relatives. A husband's sterility, cruelty, or repeated adultery will usually cause a woman's family to support her plea for divorce. The three main causes for divorce are barrenness in the wife, or no son produced; a nagging or ill-tempered wife; non-payment of dowry. Family and public pressure plus private pride, however, help hold the divorce rate very low in Afghanistan.